Families Supporting Adoption, Virginia Chapter

2010 Northeast Regional FSA Conference

2010-09-08T17:28:00.000-07:00

CLICK HERE FOR DETAILS

National Infertility Week

2010-04-30T07:09:00.000-07:00

Infertility Etiquette (Article taken from www.resolve.org the National Infertility Association)

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

A message from National Council for adoption: NEW WEBSITE

2010-03-30T10:02:00.000-07:00

Did you know that 2010 marks NCFA’s 30th Anniversary? In celebration of 30 years of service to children, birthparents, and adoptive families, we are excited to announce the launch of our brand new, fully re-designed website, www.adoptioncouncil.org.

Our new website, made possible by the generous support of a Foundation, offers a much more user-friendly, attractive interface for everyone interested in adoption.

“Whether you are a birthparent, an adoptive family, adoption agency, a representative of the government, the media, or you are simply a person interested in adoption, you will know exactly where to click to find the information you’re looking for.” –Chuck Johnson, NCFA vice president and chief operating officer

After you check out the new website, be sure to follow NCFA on Twitter, Become a Fan of NCFA on Facebook, stay tuned for our Blog (coming soon!), or Share Your Story with us. And, if you haven’t already done so, sign-up to become an Adoption Ally (formerly Adoption Advocate) and stay informed about what’s going on in the adoption community.

THANK YOU for your support as we work to bring you the most updated and accurate adoption information available, and we hope you enjoy the new website!

Sincerely,

Your friends at the National Council For Adoption

www.adoptioncouncil.org

P.S. We hope you will find the new website easier to navigate and more informative. Please feel free to give us feedback by e-mailing us at ncfa@adoptioncouncil.org. Your suggestions and input are important to us!

Click for Full Press Release

You can contact NCFA by mail, phone, fax, and e-mail:

National Council For Adoption
225 N. Washington Street
Alexandria, VA 22314
703-299-6633 (Phone)
703-299-6004 (fax)
ncfa@adoptioncouncil.org
www.adoptioncouncil.org

Parent Profiles: finding ideas

2010-01-14T17:14:00.001-08:00

LDS Family Services and ParentProfiles.com have worked together to offer an exclusive benefit for LDS Family Services’ approved adoptive couples. ParentProfiles.com will extend a 50% discount on the monthly service fee for couples wishing to publish a profile on their site. The cost would only be $50.00 per month. The set-up fee ($99.00) and the listing fee ($149.00) will be waived.

ParentProfiles.com is marketed extensively throughout the leading adoption websites, such as adoption.com, birthmother.com and adopting.org.

Originally 50 "longer waiting" adoptive couples from LDSFS were selected to be part of a 90 day pilot study. The purpose of the study was to determine if couples received more exposure and placement opportunities as a result of being on ParentProfiles.com. The end result: 11 couples were either selected or had a placement and nearly all 50 couples received correspondence with birth parents. The following are a few testimonials from the pilot couples regarding their experience:

“Only five days after posting on the parentprofiles.com site, we received an e-mail from a birthmother. We have been e-mailing on a continued basis since then. She is due soon and we are hopeful that this will result in a successful adoption for our family.”

“We were selected two weeks after our profile went up and now have a baby boy. The birthmother and her entire family are wonderful.”

Couples who wish to take advantage of this opportunity will need to work closely with their LDS Family Services’ adoption caseworker and complete the following steps:

1. Couples will go to http://www.parentprofiles.com/ where they can build their own profile. On the right-hand side of the screen there is a yellow box with the link “Start Now”. If couples choose to publish an online profile, they will click on this link and they will be guided through the profile building process. (As this is a secure site, no one except ParentProfiles.com will have access to couples’ information.)

2. Couples will need to send ParentProfiles.com all the needed paperwork. Your LDSFS caseworker will need to send: A copy of the first and last page of the couples’ homestudy (the last page needs to include the recommendation and required signature). The Statement of Adoption Status form on agency’s letterhead. The adoptive couple will need to send a Service agreement and a Payment Authorization form. On the Payment Authorization form, couples will want to choose “Option B” to have the listing and set up fee ($248) waived and to get the 50% off monthly discount. The coupon code is LDSFS.

3. Couples will need to list their Credit Card information at the bottom and make sure all initials and signatures are complete. ParentProfiles.com will then charge the Credit Card every month until couples complete the deactivation process.

The contact person at ParentProfiles.com is Jean Kimball who can assist in answering technical and other questions about getting an online profile published. Jean can be reached at 1-800-FAMILY NOW or info@parentprofiles.com. Caseworkers can fax required documents to Jean at 480-894-2338.

A home for the holidays

2009-12-21T09:28:00.000-08:00

Don't miss "A Home for the Holidays" airing the 23rd at 8pm ET on CBS.

Matching Monday

2009-12-21T09:26:00.000-08:00

I hope these children have parents to call their own by next Christmas!!!

Utah

Erik age 14.

Sports and building models are top on this teen’s list of favorite things to do. You can bet that time spent with Erik will be time enjoyed. He has a great sense of humor that will leave you in stitches, and an engaging personality that will melt your heart. Erik also has a talent for swimming and likes to spend his downtime playing a good video game. Erik will be entering the ninth grade this fall. He is an intelligent young man who is continuously progressing.

Oregon

Tara & Liam ages (not listed)

Big gray eyes and a wonderful smile, Tara is a petite, friendly little girl who wears glasses. She likes to engage in family games and social events as well as puzzles, board games, and memory matching games are her favorite. She also likes to play outdoors and especially likes to slide. She loves princesses and is most fond of Snow White.

Liam is an extremely bright and adorable boy who is eager to please and desperately wants stable parents to love. He has bright eyes, a great smile, a healthy appetite and loves to have his blonde hair spiked up. He is very curious about his surroundings and how the world works.

Liam and Tara do have an older half sister with whom they have maintained contact and it would be nice if they could maintain some level of contact with her.

An adoptive family for Tara and Liam would ideally have previous parenting experience. There should not be any younger children in the home. Ideally they should have a parent at home full-time to meet all of their needs. Parents for Liam and Tara will need to be very strong and involved advocates in their education and ongoing treatment.

Being fully independent may prove to be a life long challenge for Sarah, her full potential will not be known until she is in a family that is deeply committed to her healing and future growth. She in particular needs parents that will be committed to her for the long run.

A lifetime of delightful surprises from parenting Tara and Liam is sure to await you!

Alabama

Brittany age 10.

Brittany, born in March 1999, is a cute girl who is very sweet and loving. She loves her long hair. Brittany likes to play with her friends at school. Brittany needs parents who can help remind her that she is a child and not the mother to her younger siblings. Brittany needs help with staying focused and on completing her school work. Brittany wants to be a veterinarian when she grows up.

Brittany needs structure, stability, patience, consistency and positive attention. She also has two siblings who are being recruited for separately. A connection will need to be maintained between the three children.

*There is a video interview of Brittany on the website...take a peek.

Health Insurance for Adopted Children

2009-12-19T06:42:00.000-08:00

NCFA Releases Adoption Advocate No. 19: Health Insurance for Adopted Children

NCFA is pleased to release Adoption Advocate No. 19 entitled, “Health Insurance for Adopted Children," which reviews the laws related to health insurance for adopted children and provides parents basic information about obtaining health care for their adopted child.

Click here to read Adoption Advocate No. 19.

You can contact NCFA by mail, phone, fax, and e-mail:

National Council For Adoption

225 N. Washington Street Alexandria, VA 22314

703-299-6633 (Phone)

703-299-6004 (fax)

www.adoptioncouncil.org

Matching Monday

2009-12-14T05:26:00.000-08:00

Only 12 days until Christmas....if you happen to pass by an "Angel Tree" while shopping, pick and angel and help make a child's Christmas magical!

Utah

Jennarae age 12.

Jennarae (better known as Jenna) has an incredible personality that is bound to capture your heart. This pre-teen tries diligently to keep her attitude upbeat and happy. She is an intelligent kid with quite a sense of humor. Her perceptive and witty style make her a joy to be around. Jenna loves to have fun. The outdoors and animals (specifically horses and dogs) are a great passion of hers. Being active and trying new things are important to Jenna. A sixth grader this year, Jenna has made vast academic improvements while in her current placement. She is doing well in school and is finding joy in learning.

Oregon

Jeremiah age 5.

With his curly brown hair, big brown eyes, and dimpled smile, Jeremiah is a darling four-year-old whose energy and zest are plentiful and contagious. He is on-the-move from the moment he wakes up until the moment he falls asleep, and he enthusiastically engages his environment every day.

Jeremiah loves any activity that involves physical movement or tactile stimulation. He loves movement songs, such as ''London Bridge is Falling Down,'' and tumbling and running activities. He loves any toy that offers a tactile experience, such as rubber balls with nubs on the outside or toys that vibrate. He will not play with anything that is smooth. He loves being read to, but he's only interested in books that have texture incorporated in the story, such as Pat the Bunny, or are physically interactive in some way, with flaps or pull-tabs. Jeremiah is very physically affectionate and loves to be cuddled and snuggled. He thrives on one-on-one attention from adults and can be easily calmed by rubbing his head. He's quite conversational and will happily chat with nearly anyone for long periods of time.

Wisconsin

Jordon age 14.

Loving, caring and affectionate are certainly traits that Jordon possesses. He is very concerned about others and their feelings, which shows how big of a heart he truly has. Jordon loves to give hugs and is definitely a people pleaser. He can be very entertaining and likes to sing, dance, and joke around. He also loves to play video games and watch movies. With encouragement, Jordon takes pride in keeping his room clean and also likes to help out around the house. Jordon truly thrives on individual attention and is easily motivated by positive feedback from others.

Alabama

Jeremy & Kendrell ages 8 & 4.

Jeremy, born January 2001 is an adorable little boy who loves SpongeBob. Jeremy will be in first grade in the 2008/09 school year. He receives speech therapy at this time. Jeremy enjoys playing basketball and wants to be a basketball player when he grows up. Jeremy also likes Spiderman. He is a very loving, active young boy.

Kendrell, born July 2005 is a fun and active little boy. . Kendrell has a tendency to rock and seems to have an infatuation with sniffing clothing, blankets, etc. He has lots of personality and is very friendly towards new people.

Kendrell is an active, fun-loving toddler. He loves to play outside where he can run around. Kendrell walks and runs on his own, but falls very often due to having an unsteady gait. He loves spaghetti, blocks and balls.

Touching hearts one life at a time...

2009-12-03T11:15:00.001-08:00

The end of October, FSA had a regional conference with the theme of 'Touching hearts one life at a time' held in Pennsylvania. Many of you were not able to take the travel. We are very blessed to be able to have Valerie, a birthmom who spoke that night to do a guest post for us reiterating her message she presented. Below is a quick introduction of Valerie. Thanks Valerie!!

Valerie Mechling graduated from Southern Utah University in 2007 with a Bachelor's degree in theatre management, and she still likes to have her fingers in everything. She enjoys listening to the singing talents of a three year-old boy genius who calls her 'Birthmom!' Valerie keeps busy as a birth parent volunteer; she enjoys working with expectant parents through the itsaboutlove.org website, coordinating birth parent volunteers, and serving as a member of the FSA National Board. In her spare time, Valerie teaches taekwondo and looks forward to testing for her second degree black belt next January.

Our message from Valerie:

I'm glad to have this chance to share some of my experiences from the Regional Conference in Pennsylvania last month. It was a great honor and privilege to be invited to speak to the members of FSA in the Northeast. On Friday evening we first heard some beautiful music by Tamar & Katrina Pedersen. The first number they performed was called "His Other Mother", written for the birthmother of their son. If you have the opportunity to hear this song, I would encourage you to do so. It was very touching--especially as I was sitting next to my own son's adoptive mother, who was weeping openly. After the musical number, I was invited to give the keynote address. I hope to share the intent of that message with you here.

I was given the scripture 1 Corinthians 2:9-11, which based the theme for the conference. If you don't mind, I'd like to share that scripture with you now:

"But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.

"But God hath revealed them unto us by his Spirit: for the Spirit searcheth all things, yea, the deep things of God.

"For what man knoweth the things of a man, save the spirit of man which is in him? even so the things of God knoweth no man, but the Spirit of God."

Have you ever heard this phrase: "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans." What this scripture says most clearly to me is that we must be prepared for what God has in store. We never know what He has planned for us! With our mortal eyes, we see potential problems. We tend to tremble, to fear what might go wrong. But we must proceed in FAITH, and follow His guidance--and the guidance of others He puts in our path. Elder F. Michael Watson said this: "Sometimes we may not always be able to immediately find the desired way before us, but the wisdom of those who have gone before, coupled with the wisdom of those who are with us still, will be our guide if we let them have the reins" (Ensign, May 2009, p106).

Heavenly Father knows what is best for each of His precious children. He knows who the parents are for each child. He will guide us to the right places, the right decisions, if we but reach out to Him. President Monson spoke to anyone who is struggling and said, 'Prayer is the provider of spiritual strength; it is the passport to peace. Prayer is the means by which we approach our Father in Heaven, who loves us. Speak to Him in prayer and then listen for the answer. Miracles are wrought through prayer" (Ensign, May 2009, p68). I love our Prophet, and I love this invitation to reach out to our Father with all of our worries and concerns, with all the things that trouble us.

Satan wants to destroy families. We know that our success in this life has so much to do with our families, and for that reason, our Adversary seeks to tear us apart. He HATES adoption! He fights the sealing of eternal families! And we know that in part he does so by tearing apart birth families and adoptive families. He tries to create conflict between us. He tries to ruin our mutual happiness. For this reason, we need UNITY. Again, we can find this by turning to our Father. Elder Russel M. Nelson said: "We too can pray for unity. We can pray to be of one heart and one mind...with our loved ones. We can pray for mutual understanding and respect... If we really care for others, we should pray for them (Ensign, May 2009, p47). We draw strength from one another. Together, we can create and maintain these eternal families we are seeking through adoption.

At this point, I tread lightly. I want to acknowledge the anxieties that adoptive parents have. They are real, they are valid, and they are very common. You want to have your family! But adoption throws so many other things into the mix. Those concerns are valid! I also want you to know that birth parents have similar anxieties. We worry about open adoption. We are concerned about maintaining relationships. We are uncertain how it will all play out.

But I TESTIFY to you that there is a purpose for our connection. The deepest benefit we have through LDS Family Services is that we are lead by inspiration. This organization is headed by the leaders of the Church--by the Prophet, by the Savior Himself. This inspiration led to adoption, and leads us even now in open adoptions. I have seen many lives of adoptive families and birth families and adoptees alike blessed by open adoptions, including my own. We are led by inspired men in these connections that we share. This is the plan Heavenly Father has in store for us.

The most important thing to remember in an adoption relationship is that it is a relationship--like any other. But I would submit to you that it is a relationship worth having!

I teach Taekwondo, and there's a plaque in our studio that says the following: "The road to black belt is not a destination, it is a journey. Enjoy the ride." I find that this quote works just as well for open adoptions. You don't know, in those first stages, what your relationship is going to be like later on. It will change, it will develop, it will wax and wane. But if we work together, strengthen each other, we CAN find success. Adoption had become one of the sweetest blessings in my life, and I can't imagine life without my son and his family.

We don't know what's in store for us. Facing this great unknown, anxiety is natural. But we must proceed with faith! Trust in Heavenly Father. Develop a closeness with the Spirit, our translator of all spiritual things. Trust in each other! Have faith that Heavenly Father connected you--you adoptive parents and you birth parents--for a specific purpose, even if you cannot see what it is. Listen to the Spirit, listen to the words of others who have gone before you. Contribute your thoughts and questions too, but always have an open mind and an open heart. I promise you that open adoption can then become one of the most precious parts of your life, and you will not be able to imagine your life without it.

Valerie Mechling
Birthmother

Matching Monday

2009-11-02T06:32:00.000-08:00

Virginia's Matching Monday Child:

Amber
I am 13 years old and I love animals. I like to visit pet stores and enjoy skating and putt putt too! I have been waiting a long time to be adopted and would love to be a part of a forever family. It would be great to be in a family where I would have a brother or sister. Right now I am not involved in extracurricular activities but would like to try gymnastics or cheerleading. Oh, and I also like to shop for clothes!
Region: Piedmont

Call 1-800-DO-ADOPT for further information.
Photograph by Jack Henley

More Matching Monday Children:

Wisconsin
Jamela & Jazzlin ages 12 & 11.
Jamela is beautiful ten-year-old girl who is healthy and at an appropriate grade level. She is a sensitive, out-spoken and articulate girl who isn’t afraid to share her thoughts and feelings. Jamela likes to keep active by playing with other kids and running around outside or roller skating.

This little girl has a lot of spunk! Jazzlin is very easy going, affectionate and smiley. She has been described as a delight to be around and as having a carefree attitude. Jazzlin has some questions, but is curious about adoption.

California
Mariana age 3.
This adorable little girl is Marianna! She's enjoys musical toys, is interested in what is happening around her, and loves interacting with other children. Marianna mimics the sounds she hears, but does not yet have words at this point. She will blow kisses, and clap her hands when prompted. She now eats fruits and vegetables. Marianna has a mild hearing loss, and is making efforts to stand and take steps. Marianna's future family must be able to maintain the medical services that she needs, and work with the service providers that are following her progress. Marianna needs a safe, nurturing family that will give her the supervision and attention she needs, and enjoy her wonderful loving personality.
Utah
Ashley age 13.
Bella, Edward, Jacob, Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett, Esme, Carlisle, Charlie... If you happen to be uncertain about who these people are and where they come from, no worries, Ashley can fill you in. She is an avid reader and loves the \"Twilight\" series by Stephanie Myer. She is currently reading it for the third time! Alongside Ashley\'s passion for good books is her great interest in music. She also quite enjoys socializing and hanging out with friends; she\'s fun to talk to.This girl with the cute personality, bright mind, captivating smile and lovable spirit wants very much to be adopted by her forever family and to find a home where she can be accepted, loved, and nurtured.
Utah
Wyatt age 13.
Wyatt is a wonderful young man who wants a loving family. This great teen is very “into” his I-Pod and has quite the talent for singing. Wyatt enjoys Naruto Cards and playing video games (especially Wii and Playstation.) He loves to read, so much so, that he is often reminded to put his books down and go to sleep. Contention and Wyatt’s loving nature don’t mix. He has a compassionate nature and wants others to be happy and get along. Japanese culture is of great interest to Wyatt; he dreams of visiting there someday.

Matching Monday

2009-10-26T19:22:00.000-07:00

VIRGINA'S Matching Monday Child:

Keith

Keith is an adorable three-year-old looking for a caring and nurturing home. He loves to go to the park to play ball and go down the slide as fast as he can! His favorite food is fried chicken. He would a family where he gets lots of attention, guidance and maybe even a brother or sister!

Region: Eastern

Call 1-800-DO-ADOPT for further information.
Photograph by Eric Green

Below are more Matching Monday Children across the country:

Connecticut
Nathally is 1 year old.
"Sugar and Spice and everything nice…." is what precious 1 year old Nathally is made of!! Nathally (pronounced Natalie) was born a healthy child but due to head trauma she sustained when she was four months of age, she is totally blind. Her future prognosis with regard to overall functioning is unknown at this time. She is a beautiful child who will add much love and affection to the right family.

Oregon
Jawon age 7.
JAWON is a very polite, honest, seven-year old boy of African American heritage who is most affectionate when he feels loved and cared for. Jawon has an adorable, engaging smile, big expressive brown eyes, dark brown hair, and a beautiful dark mocha complexion. He thrives on one-on-one attention, and feels most secure and safe in a structured, consistent and very predictable environment. Jawon tends to be introverted, but that may change when he gains the social skills he needs to interact successfully with peers and other children. At this time, he feels most comfortable around adults and teenagers, people to whom he can look up to and emulate. Jawon is more of an indoorsy kind of child, whose favorite activities are playing games on his GameBoy, building with Legos, watching Ninja Turtles’ cartoons and movies, and playing with remote control cars. He also, though, enjoys riding his bike.
Utah
Aschley age 10.
Lovable and engaging are the best ways to describe this fun girl. Aschley has a great sense of humor, is very friendly, and loves showing affection. She enjoys sewing and crafts but her personal favorite is playing outdoors. Her imagination shines when playing house or with her dolls. This child has a passion for animals and an even greater zest for people. It’s a delight for Aschley when she is able to engage in activities with her foster family and mentors.
I have featured Aschley before on MMs but with her new picture I couldn't help but feature her again. What a darling girl!

Utah
Zachary age 15.
Energetic in nature, Zachary prefers to spend most of his time in the great outdoors and loves riding his bicycle. He likes to hike and play any sort of sport that involves a ball. Zach enjoys air hockey, movies, music, and food. If he had his choice of a meal, you can bet it would be either Mexican, Chinese, or Italian. Click on his name to learn more.

Virginia Chapter Activity!

2009-10-14T07:29:00.000-07:00

B.B.Q.

Please come and enjoy a Free BBQ Picnic, get to know more about FSA, and meet others involved in the Adoption Process.

Date: November 7, 2009
Time: 11:00AM – 2:00PM
Place: Alcova Heights Park
901 S. George Mason Dr.
Arlington, VA. 22204

The whole family is invited to attend. The park has a wonderful playground for the kids, and we would love to get to know you better.

The program will be open so you can come and go as you need. We will have lots of good food, and lots of education materials from both the National and Regional FSA Conferences. We will play a fun “Get To Know You Game” and we are excited for you to meet the new Adoption Supervisor for Virginia, Robert Mackay.

We Hope To See You There.

Please RSVP by replying to this E-mail: fam-va@ldsfamilyservices.org and let us know the Number of People Attending from your Family.

Matching Mondays: Virginia addition

2009-10-12T07:48:00.000-07:00

Every Monday the National FSA blog features children waiting to be adopted. Recently they have asked if chapter FSA blogs would feature children from their state. "It seems that in many cases it is a little easier to adopt children waiting in your own state so I would like to call you to action. I encourage YOU to become an advocate of waiting children by looking through your own states waiting children websites and choose one or two each Monday to feature on your blog."
In addition to the current children diplayed in Matching Mondays, we will also highlight a child from the state of Virginia. Don't forget to stop on over to the blog every monday for our featured children.

Northeast Regional Conference 2009

2009-09-08T13:05:00.000-07:00

"Touching hearts one life at a time"

Families Supporting Adoption Northeast Regional Conference

October 23-24, 2009

Hershey, Pennsylvania

"But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man."

1 Corinthians 2:9 (9-11)

You are invited for information, association, and support to help adoptive couples, birth families, and anyone who encourages adoption and its positive outcomes for families.

Friday, October 23, 2009
7:00 – 8:30 pm

Saturday, October 24, 2009
9:00 am – 3:15 pm

Lebanon, Pennsylvania
(not far from famous Hershey, PA)

Topics will include:

*School Presentations & Outreach *Communication: The Secret to a Successful Open Adoption *Transracial Adoption *What Are You Waiting For? Choosing the right path for your own family *How to Build and Support an FSA Chapter *Financing Your Adoption *Dealing With Infertility

There will also be a birth parent panel, a message from Troy Dunn and a raffle!

Optional tours and trick-or-treating at Hershey Chocolate Factory Friday afternoon.
Childcare will be available.

To register, go to:
http://fsanortheast.blogspot.com

or call LDS Family Services at (435)752-5302 and tell them you would like to register for the Northeast Regional FSA Conference. You may also contact your local FSA representative.

Birthmother Panel

2009-08-31T18:28:00.000-07:00

The link below is a great clip of a panel of birthmothers who have shared their stories from a FSA conference in Salt Lake City last year.

Click HERE to view.

Also, the National FSA has created a blog for birthparents. Click HERE to view.They recently started a segment on the blog called: "Ask a birthmom". If you are curious in learning more about the experiences of birthmothers or have questions you would like to be answered by birthmothers, you can hop over to the blog and leave a question in the comment section or email the question at: unitedbylovefsa@gmail.com

Adoption Voices

2009-06-30T19:59:00.001-07:00

There is a great new social network for adoption. Take some time to check it out and make some friends. There are so many wonderful people on there with great adoption topics, stories, advice and personal experiences. You can meet adoptive couples, birthparents, adoptees and many more touched by adoption. There is also a FSA group to join and connect with members. It is just another resource to find out great information with others in the adoption world. :)

www.adoptionvoices.com

Father's Day Frosty Weekend

2009-06-17T07:41:00.000-07:00

Wendy’s restaurants will be donating 50 cents for every Frosty purchased over Father’s Day weekend (June 20-21) to the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption’s initiatives.

This year, Wendy’s started a new tradition for Father’s Day.

Kids can go to FrostyCard.com to create a free custom Father’s Day eCard and Wendy’s will donate an additional 25¢ to the Foundation for every Frosty Card sent.

FSA National Adoption Conference 2009

2009-06-17T07:18:00.001-07:00

The conference theme this year is:

The National Conference for Families Supporting Adoption is right around the corner!!

When: Friday, July 31 at 10:00am to Saturday, August 1 at 4:00pm

Where: Davis Conference Center800 West Heritage Park Boulevard Layton, UT

Registration Fee: $60 per couple, $30 per individual

free for expectant parents, birth parents and their families

This is always a great event and can serve as such a help for all of us who experience the process of adoption in our lives. We encourage everyone to go if you can!

For more information click HERE for the flyer and more details.

If you are planning on attending, you can click HERE to register.

QUESTIONS?
If you have general questions, please email contactus@ldsfamilyservices.org with “National Conference” as the subject.

Trust in the Lord

2009-06-08T17:26:00.000-07:00

From: Mormon Messages

Writing your letter

2009-06-03T16:18:00.000-07:00

Once you have a list of your contacts as discussed from this post HERE. Writing a letter is many one of the ways to multiply your placement opportunities . Below are some tips and examples of letters you can email and write. Hopefully they can give you a head start in the right direction. :)

Basic Idea:

Write a letter to family and friends informing them that you are unable to bear children and inviting them to assist in locating a birth mother who might consider placing her child. Don’t expect immediate results. It is generally necessary to send periodic follow-up letters for several reasons:
• They may assume someone else will do what you’ve asked.
• They have an idea of what you want but may not know exactly how to go about it.
• They may have a desire to help, but either forget or procrastinate.
• Unless you keep them informed they may feel that you’ve been successful and no longer need their help . . . so it’s important to follow-up regularly.

Points to Remember:
1. Give them the information they need.
a. You are seeking a child.
b. They can play a role in the finding process
c. What they can do.
d. Example of how others have assisted with adoption
2. Be brief and to the point.
3. Include a picture they can easily show to interested parties.

SAMPLE LETTER

Dear Family and Friends,
We hope this letter finds you well. As you may already know, we have been married for ten years and as yet have not been able to have children. After many tests and no success we have decided to seek a child through adoption. We are writing you to ask for any help you can give us in building our family through adoption. If you become aware of a birth mother who is looking to place her child in a loving home, we would appreciate help in recommending us to the birth mother. If she is willing to consider us as adoptive parents, please contact us at (phone number) or you may contact our caseworker Name of caseworker at LDS Family Services, (phone number). We have enclosed a photo of ourselves that could be shown to a potential birth mother. If she would like more information, we or Name of caseworker can provide her with additional photos and information concerning our background, family, careers, hobbies, and interests. Birth parents may also view our online profile at www.itsaboutlove.org by clicking on “Search Adoptive Profiles” and typing in “JohnandJane” (no spaces between names).
We are most grateful for any assistance you may provide in building our family.
Sincerely,
Name of Adoptive Couple

SAMPLE LETTER

Dear Family and Friends:
A dream came true for us three years ago when we adopted.. It was one of the happiest moments in our lives. The love and support you gave us at that time was deeply felt and appreciated. Now we hope to adopt again and are requesting your prayers and assistance. Since our chances of adopting increase with exposure, we have enclosed some adoption pass along cards and ask for your help in getting them out. If you know of a birth mother who is thinking about placing her child for adoption, please give her one of these cards. You could also post the cards on bulletin boards wherever you think a potential birth mother or someone she knows might see them. Thank you in advance for your help as well as your love, support, and prayers.
Sincerely,
Name of Adoptive Couple

Information obtained from "Someone's missing booklet"

New and Improved

2009-06-03T09:15:00.000-07:00

The new and improved itsaboutlove.org website is up and running! Some of you may already have your profile up and running on the site. This site is wonderful with amazing resources. Some great additions are personal accounts of adoption stories shared by birthmoms as well as a forum to talk with birthmothers! Take the time to browse this site and share it with others.

'USA today' shares a positive adoption article!

2009-05-19T09:03:00.000-07:00

CLICK HERE to read it!

It is nice when the media shows some of the positive relationships in adoption!

May is National Foster Care Month

2009-05-17T18:34:00.000-07:00

Families Supporting Adoption seeks to promote a positive view of adoption and foster care is one of many adoption avenues that can help build families and advocate children. This month we recognize the many compassionate individuals who make a difference in the lives of children by being foster parents, social workers, adovcates and volunteers. The official website http://www.fostercaremonth.org/ states: "Thanks to these unsung heroes, many formerly abused or neglected children and teens will either safely reunite with their parents, be cared for by relatives, or be adopted by loving families." You can learn more about children seeking to be adopted via foster care HERE.

Ideas to help you find your birth family/baby

2009-05-17T17:10:00.000-07:00

There are many things adoptive couples can do make their adoption happen. The next few posts will be geared towards ideas in helping to make your adoption happen. Please feel free to contribute in the comments for more ideas. These posts are designed to give adoptive couples specific suggestions and to assist in their adoption promotion efforts.

Before you begin remember to…
• Have a plan
• Pace yourself
• Pray for inspiration
• Use your talents and creativity

Idea: Create a list.

One of the ways to multiply your placement opportunities by letting family, friends, religious, and professional acquaintances know your desire to adopt and how they can help you. This checklist may be helpful to identify those you can contact by letter, postcard, phone calls, or personal visit. (We will be posting communication ideas and techniques to your contact list soon).

Family
Parents
Siblings
Uncles and aunts
Cousins
Distant relatives
Personal
Close personal friends
Your close friends’ parents
Neighbors (past and present)
High school acquaintances
Customers/patients/clients
Fellow and/or former college
classmates or professors
Social or hobby groups
Religious
Bishop (and other bishops that you know)
Religious leaders from other faiths (priest, rabbi, pastor)
Other church leaders (stake presidents, Relief Society presidents, YM/YW leaders,
Institute director, etc.)
Ward members
Professional
Employers and Employees (current and former)
Co-workers
Clients, customers, buyers, Suppliers, sales representatives
Doctors (OB, family practitioner, specialists)
Dentists
Attorneys
Accountant
Banker
Insurance agent
Realtor
Librarian
Hairdresser/barber

Information obtained from "Someone's missing booklet".

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-09T09:30:00.000-07:00

To all women. Including the childless mother, the working mother, the stay-at-home mother, the busy mother, the grandmother. Have a wonderful day.

‘Many of the sisters grieve because they are not blessed with offspring. You will see the time when you will have millions of children around you. If you are faithful to your covenants, you will be mothers of nations. You will become Eves to earths like this, and when you have assisted in peopling one earth, there are millions of others still in the course of creation. And when they have endured a thousand million times longer than this earth, it is only as it were at the beginning of your creation. Be faithful and if you are not blessed with children in this time, you will be hereafter.’ "(Deseret News, Vol. 10, p. 306, October 14, 1860.) (Spencer W. Kimball, fireside address delivered in San Antonio, Texas, 3 Dec. 1977, 24–26).

Celebrating Birth Mother's Day

2009-05-08T09:18:00.000-07:00

Birth mother's day is the saturday before Mother's day. It was created by a group of birthmothers in the Seattle area in 1990. It was a means to educate, honor and remember these women. THANK YOU BIRTHMOTHERS. We recognize you, honor you, and appreciate you for your love and sacrifices and for bringing about so many eternal families.

Making your adoption happen

2009-04-29T12:09:00.000-07:00

The Lord's hand is always stretched out to bless His children. After we do everything that is possible, the Lord steps in and helps us. D&C 123:17: "Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for His arm to be revealed."

Are you finding or waiting?

FINDING VERSUS WAITING

WAIT
Waiting is passive. It is being idle and is extremely unfulfilling.

W – “WHAT IF?”

As we wait, we may stay in a constant state of “what if?” We may put off plans and not take full
advantage of our present opportunities while we sit by the phone waiting for that important call.

A – ANXIOUS
As we wait we may get restless and uneasy. We may feel a lot of anxiety and worry about things over which we have no control.

I – INSECURE
As we wait we may feel insecure and doubt our capacity to parent. We may feel unworthy and have a sense of low self-esteem.

T – TENSE
As we wait the tension may grow. If we are not careful contention can easily enter the home and we may begin to blame and easily hurt each other’s feelings.

FIND
Finding is active. It is being proactive in the search for your child. It is following the principle of doing all that we can and then relying on the Lord to help all things work together for our good.

F – FAITH
It takes faith to search for your child: faith in prayer that Heavenly Father will guide us and place us in the right places; faith through fasting that we will encounter the birthmother carrying our child; faith that the Lord will direct our paths and help us find our children.

I – INSPIRATION
The Spirit can inspire us to talk with those around us about our desire to adopt. As we listen to
promptings and live close to the Spirit, we can be divinely guided in our efforts.

N – NETWORKING
It is beneficial to talk to everyone. Using every possible channel to get the word out can expand our voice and can increase the likelihood of finding our child.

D – DIVINE INTERVENTION
Once we have done all that we can do, we can rely on the Lord to intervene in our behalf. It is only through Him that all things are possible. The Lord will direct our paths.

Information obtained from "Someone's missing booklet.

Click HERE to go to the Families Supporting Adoption site. There are a lot of wonderful resources you can access to material including the "Someone's missing booklet".

LDS Family Services Secretaries

2009-04-23T09:37:00.001-07:00

(from left to right: Pat Weegar, Lois Hill, Wally Moye, and Kris Precourt )

These lovely ladies work part time and help support the full time staff at Lds Family Services. They are more then willing to help out and help you find the answers you are looking for. Here is a little bit about them:

Pat - has worked with the agency for about 10 years collectively on a part-time basis. She has been at the agency since 1996. She took 2 years to serve a mission with her husband in California and another year to stay with her daughter in Arizona who had triplets! She is the 'go to person' for special projects!

Lois - has been with the agency for 4 years now. Lois handles the files and manages the scanning of documents into the electronic records.

Wally - has been with the agency for about a year. She helps with various duties.

Kris - has also been on staff for about a year. She is the billing clerk and handles questions concerning billing and account balances.

Thank you Ladies for helping LDS Family Services run effectively!

Getting to know the staff at LDS Family Services - Kandy

2009-03-31T07:17:00.000-07:00

We appreciate the hard work and dedication from our Virginia Agency in helping families find each other through the miracle of adoption. Their small office covers a very large state and many of you will be communicating (or have) with them via telephone or email. Lets take the time to get to know them a bit....

Our first staff profile is Kandy. She is the senior secretary who works full time at the office.

Kandy has been with the agency for 13 years. She is usually not the one to answer the phone as they have 4 other part-time secretaries that work there as well.

In regards to adoption, Kandy's role is to support to the therapists and birth parent/adoption workers. She also is able to help us in handling the questions about adoption and the agency's processes. The majority of her time is handling the financial items of business. She is also responsible for many reports that go to the Central Office in Salt Lake City. Because she is a Notary Public, she is occasionally involved in the adoption placements that take place. Kandy is a active member of the adoption committee that reviews the adoptive applicant home studies for approval.

Kandy is married (5 years in November!) to Gary. They do not have any children. Kandy said, "I met my husband because of an Ensign article I wrote in July 1999. It was called "Are You a Mommy?" It's a long story how we met, but that was what brought us together! We met late in life and so far, have not been blessed with children." -By the way if you are interested in that article click HERE...it is really good!

Kandy likes to travel, and loves photography and scrapbooking! She also enjoys home improvement projects. Kandy also expressed that, "I have a wonderful family and several very close friends that I love to spend time with".

Best piece of advice for adoptive couples from Kandy:

"The most common question I get about adoption, at least initially, is "How long will we have to wait until we are placed with?" I explain to couples who are new to the adoption experience that it usually takes about 6 months to complete the necessary paperwork and home study process before they are approved. Of course there is no way for us to know how soon they will be selected for placement. Some couples wait awhile. Others are selected almost right away. Adoption can be a bit of a roller-coaster ride, but I have seen lots of miracles in my years working for LDS Family Services! I have definitely seen the Lord's hand in the work that we do time and time again!"

Kandy is here to HELP...

"I'd like for our couples to know that the agency is here to help and we are never too busy to answer their questions! I may not always have the answer, but I will do my best to address their needs or concerns."

Welcome Virginia FSA Blog

2009-03-21T06:26:00.000-07:00

Welcome Adoption supportive Family and Friends!

We are excited to introduce the Virginia Chapter Families Supporting Adoption Blog!

We hope the information through this blog can support and unite our Virginia community as well as keep everyone updated on adoption news and events.

Hopefully the resources and information here can be used and shared to build our families and a greater awareness of adoption in our communities!